I cannot “save” anyone.

I’ve been having a reoccurring dream. In this dream, I am swimming in a body of water. Swimming, frantically to save someone who is drowning. (The someone is not always the same person.) When I get within arms reach, they start swimming away from me, but not toward the shoreline. They swim further away, only to start drowning again. I repeat my efforts to reach them. Each time in vain. Unable to “save” them. I wake in a cold sweat with my heart racing.

So what does this mean? It has been suggested to me that this is symbolic of trying to help someone who simply doesn’t want to be helped. At least, not by me. Or not in the manner I can help. The logical response, for me, is to offer help. If this offer isn’t acknowledged or accepted. I should step away from the turmoil. Be willing to give the help I offered, if the someone changes their mind and is willing to accept it. In practicality, I also need to only offer the help I can actually give. Then follow through, and provide the aid.

In place of frantically swimming. I visualize myself, standing on the shore in my dream, holding the rope of a flotation device. I have “thrown” them help. If they choose not to accept it. That is their prerogative.

I am wrestling with a reality. I cannot “save” anyone.

My problem is, I never think logically first. My knee jerk response is an emotional one. I feel a visceral need to rescue what or whom ever needs it. Diving head first into the situation with blinders on. Without pause, to consider how much energy helping will require. What mental distress rescuing another will cause me. My feelings of rejection and disappointment when the assistance I can offer, is not accepted.

I am an emotional being. Logic, always comes as a hindsight. I continue to struggle. To coexist within myself. To be a logical and emotional being at the same time. Because, it is not good to be one or the other in entirety. To come to grips with, the only person I can “save” is, Me. Then consciously make the choice to do so.

Perhaps in honesty, the best way I can help others, is to be an example. A picture that describes a stained glass window. Each piece holds beauty individually. The parts fastened together, make a masterpiece. I’m not quite there yet; but I’m working on it.

Honestly,

Carrie