February 15th will be my 42nd birthday. This will be a day overflowing with mixed emotions for several reasons. 42 ~ I’m going to be 42. (Is that middle age yet?) My oldest child is essentially, the same age I was when she was born ~ wierd. But the most difficult emotions, are going to center around My Mom.
I was born on my Mother’s birthday. Growing up, this is something I would brag about. I felt so special. It was something I shared with her, that no one would ever be able to take away… until she passed away. It went with her.
For eight years, that special thing, feels as though it has simply… vanished. Now, the bond we shared specifically on that one day every year, re-opens the wound that her death left on my heart.
Several weeks ago, I was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. One of the million thoughts racing through my mind was my upcoming birthday. First reaction. Ignore the day completely. Just another Friday. Second reaction, “Wait, I’m supposed to be fighting for happiness.” Then, BAM! 42.. 21 x 2 = 42. Now, I realize this is a simple equation, but it has a bit of a hidden meaning. When I turned 21, I was pregnant with my oldest daughter, and sooo very ill (all nine months, but that is another blog post all on it’s own). No big 21st bash for me. So, why not double up and bring 42 in with a BANG! I smiled and fell asleep.
Several days later, I was getting ready (brushing my teeth), and it hit me again… 21 x 2 = 42! I’m going to have a 21st Style Birthday Bash! Only… better! I have commissioned my nieces and eldest daughter with the planning process. I have given some guidelines, but they are doing the leg work.
I am actually looking forward to my birthday. The first time in eight years. I know my Mom would not want me to continue to commiserate on OUR birthday. This year, February 15th falls on a Friday. I am planning to have a quiet day and let myself have whatever emotions I choose to feel. My Bestie is coming around lunch. Closing the day with my Husband and Children at dinner. Saturday, we will have a late supper and then, those who are of appropriate age, will hit the town for the 21 x 2 Bash.
As much as I miss her physical presence, I still share February 15th with her. It can’t be taken away.
Happy Birthday to Me!